Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
What if, and this can be tough to get your head round, Elon Musk isn’t only a very wealthy man who acts like a 12-year-old after an excessive amount of fizzy pop — or, as one social media user put it, a “Want.com Bruce Wayne” — and is the truth is right here to save lots of us all?
Since Musk (who, lest we overlook, known as his youngster X Æ A-XII — X and as soon as live-tweeted himself taking a shit) purchased Twitter, there’s been a endless stream of headlines.
Nearly all of the senior execs have been fired, then a few of them have been requested to come back again; Musk wrote “I like to recommend voting for a Republican Congress”; he banned many parody accounts regardless of being a parody of himself; and he mentioned that you might get a valuable blue tick by paying for one relatively than for being superior (and sure, I do have a blue tick, for my Pulitzer Prize-worthy work developing with nicknames for Donald Trump).
Some individuals are so anxious about Musk’s influence on Twitter that they’re deactivating their accounts and heading elsewhere, together with Mastodon (which possible got here as a shock to the heavy steel band Mastodon, whose second album — “Leviathan” — is an idea document primarily based on the novel “Moby-Dick” by Herman Melville).
However perhaps Musk is cleverer than that and is actually taking part in the lengthy sport. Everyone knows that social media is terrible, a colossal waste of time that stops you from doing precise stuff like spending time together with your youngsters, studying to play the flute or aggressive ironing.
So is Musk purposefully driving folks away from Twitter and into the welcoming arms of actual life by pretending to be a moron with horrible opinions? Perhaps he’s burning down his personal property on goal to say on the insurance coverage? Or perhaps he’s simply so wealthy that none of this actually issues?
And if social media — or certainly the rest — is all getting an excessive amount of, simply comply with the recommendation of the New York Times, which gave readers recommendations on how one can keep away from election stress across the midterms. Tip No. 2 is the very best: “Plunge your face right into a bowl with ice water for 15 to 30 seconds.” Or right into a wall, whichever is simpler.
And tip No. 4 can also be one: “Breathe like a child.” To attain this, “concentrate on increasing your stomach as you breathe, which might ship extra oxygen to the mind.” That’s sound recommendation as a result of, as any mother or father will inform you, infants are well-known for specializing in duties.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“The U.N. convention’s annual ‘Take a selfie with an fool to boost consciousness of local weather change’ competitors proved particularly standard this 12 months.”
Are you able to do higher? E mail [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque
Final time we gave you this photograph:
Thanks for all of the entries. Right here’s the very best from our postbag — there’s no prize aside from the present of laughter, which I believe we are able to all agree is much extra priceless than money or booze.
“Church versus state? It’s a tie!” by Ben Boffey.
Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot information editor.
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